Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
