hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
