I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
