i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
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But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!