I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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