moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
