I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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