It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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