He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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