So drunk its hurt
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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