shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You can't just leave with hair like that
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
