When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
