I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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