i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
