someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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