i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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