Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Who put my cat in the fridge?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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