Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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