I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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