I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
