I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
