Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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