can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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