You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
