Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
