the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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