it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
