I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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