Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
