i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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