When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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