i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
