3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
