just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...