I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
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Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.