my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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