it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
