I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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