You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
im holly from the hills drunk
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Randomize
