the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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