If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
