where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
