I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
