Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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