that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
