nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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