Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
