Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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