Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
