She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
