My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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