Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
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If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
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I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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