I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
