So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
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i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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