You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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