Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
