Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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