I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
