I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
