He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
