pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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